Lady Catherine De Bourg Advice Consultant
by annecordelia
Summary: Our cough beloved cough and well renown woman of the community, Lady Catherine De Bourg has recently opened up a part time side business as an advice consultant for all the personal dilemmas her parish has. For, of course she must have her say in all matt


LADY CATHERINE DEBOURG – ADVICE CONSULTANT

Our (cough) beloved (cough) and well renown woman of the community recently opened up a part time side business as an advice consultant for all the personal dilemmas her parish has. For, of course she must have her say in all matters. And within twenty-four hours of her opening, she was settled down for a more than mildly interesting pastime…

Her location: The little side dinner parlour of Rosings Park (where else would possibly be suitable?). There is a room, much like a priests, where her, perhaps shier visitors can talk to her if they want. Lady Catherine De Bourg is also open to receiving letters imploring her advice.

And so, as the butler ushers in her first client, she orders a servant to put on the tea. As her eyes lift to the flustered looking man who has stumbled in, his hands most graciously clasped in front of him, she frowns,

"Mr. Collins not _you _again".

He gives a rather awkward bow and proceeds, his face flushing, "I know, my most revered benefactress, Lady Catherine De Bourg, that you see me often during the week

"_Very_ often" the aforesaid revered benefactress interjects. But Mr. Collins does not get put off easily, and so continues,

"Yes I do see you're most noble of features a lot in more, let us just say, less formal circumstances. And it may be rather presumptuous for me to come in, in such a manner as one of the first in your new line of business..." Lady Catherine nods as Mr. Collins catches his breath,

"But my case, as you will see, is _well _worth you're attention. For I am caught up in a cross fire of passions burning and passions shunned. For as you know I was on a quest to find the future partner of my life at my Bennet cousins place. And as soon as I her delicate yet animated face I knew that Elizabeth Bennet would take my hand and be the one to share my humble home and be the partner through all my…"

Lady Catherine De Bourg coughs no so delicately. Mr. Collins looks up, startled and continues,

"…or so I thought, if only she would of accepted it. And so I made it known subtly, which she took with the upmost of grace and modesty, even to the point of not seeing them. And so, with the wishes of her parents backing me, I asked for her hand in marriage, offering her all of my love, my home and even a meeting with you. But even with all these favours…"

"Let me guess" Lady Catherine interrupts, "she wasn't so appreciative of them"

"Not at all!" wails Mr. Collins with a sniff. "But as she was suddenly I met a another damsel, their next door neighbour. Oh and if Eliza Bennet ever had beauty, my dear Charlotte has three times as much, and not the showy kind either but a quiet, modest…"

Lady Catherine humphs and in a tone of voice _to the point_ she says,

"Mr. Collins, have you come here to soliloquise or do you really want me advice in the matter?"

"I know your ladyships condescension is above all to which I could ever aspire to." Mr. Collins simpers, "But how do I ask my dear Charlotte to ask me, when I have failed before in matters of the heart?"

Lady Catherine De Bourg slowly and deliberately takes a sip of tea and places it back on the saucer, folds her hands and looks Mr. Collins straight in the eye. He fumbles around, overawed by the majesty of the Lady.

"She sounds as if she's throwing herself to you so I doubt you will have trouble when you propose to her. Bring her back as soon as possible and _I _will have her over for tea, she sounds like a most civilised girl who knows her place, and so, she will be an admirable . This Elizabeth girl sounds very stubborn, I am glad she did not accept your hand or she might of caused problems around here for not only yourself but the wider community.

Mr. Collins bows, grinning all over

"And yes, I do give you my blessing" Lady Catherine hurriedly says before Mr. Collins can utter a word. He smiles and _finally _exits the room.

Situations coming up in the future:

A policeman, a criminal and an Irishman are in a fix.

An old flame of Lady Catherine's asks for some advice (and what happens there will shock us all)

A time travelling Mr. Darcy obsessed teen has an audience with the great Lady.

Some wedding plans for a special nephew of hers.

And we learn the perfect way to pack clothes in a suitcase when travelling abroad.

Authors Note: You might remember a story similar to this called 'Lady Catherine's Advice Column which got pulled because of contact. That is cos I asked for problems and ideas to write advice to. So, you can suggest characters but please I (and neither does the esteemed Lady Catherine) do not want to tamper with your personal problems DO NOT SEND ANY (other wise I might get pulled off again). This is just for fun.

I would LOVE a review though to see if you found this even slightly amusing.


End file.
